May 21st, 2011 I woke up like I do every Saturday. Cory was already up playing with our little man. The house smelled like coffee and Everett's babbles and coos traveled down to me from the living room. It was a beautiful morning.
I left my boys to their fun while I got ready for the day. Before I jumped in the shower I did something I don't do on the usual Saturday. I took a pregnancy test...
...and it was positive...
Those four words have to stand on their own because they are that crazy. To remind you, it took us almost two years and the help of fertility drugs to conceive Everett. The fact that I am writing this down, that I am living this out, is so crazy and magical and amazing and scary and blessed that there are almost no words for how I feel. I feel a closeness to God that I haven't felt in a long time. I feel like he is whispering to me, "Sara, I got this, why do you worry so?" "Sara, I love you, why don't you trust Me?" I am humbled with how GOOD God is. And not because he has given me something that I wanted, but because He has a plan, and He IS to be trusted, and that His way is set before us and we can let him lead. I know all that sounds so cheesy and earnest and not really like me, but it is TRUTH.
There have been moments (like right this second for instance) where these feeling of fear and worry start to creep in. I feel like I am just figuring out how to be a mommy to one little person, and soon I will have two. Now I don't just have Cory and I to think about when picturing this HUGE life change, but Everett. Will he feel loved? Will he feel left out? Has he had enough time to be confident in our love for him before having to share us? I think a lot of these fears are because last time I found out I was pregnant it had been such a long time beforehand of anticipation and planning and dreaming of it that once we got that positive test there was nothing to feel but pure JOY. I think this time I'm a little in shock and am processing it very differently.
Of course I am excited. This past month I have felt that familiar yearning in my heart for a child. I drive by the hospital and wish I was there, giving birth to a beautiful baby...so I know I'm ready, and I know that we will love this child just as much as Everett. I just need a little more time to wrap my head around it.
Oh, and I need to remind myself of the Truth that I wrote about three paragraphs ago. He is to be trusted with all things. Even the ones we aren't quite ready for.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
FTW
Today was a good day for two reasons:
1. My husband and I are attempting to eat carb-free (well carb-less) for a month. Trust me, we are not "those people," but we both have some baby weight we could still lose so we are hoping that a month of not eating carbs will bring us back to food reality...wherein we don't think a huge plate of Chicken Marsala Marscapone (which, by the way, I really need to share the recipe for because it is SO good) is considered an acceptable weekly dinner option. The theory is a month with no rice or potatoes or pasta will make stuff like quinoa and brown rice feel like a treatsy because we are now used to just veggies and meat. Don't tell me if you have already proven this theory wrong in your own life because my little heart can't take it.
Anyway, we've been eating a pretty steady stream of different forms of meat from the bbq alongside a big pile of veggies. So tonight I had this crazy idea to make Shepard's Pie with cauliflower instead of potatoes. I've heard a mythical story that cauliflower can substitute for mashed potatoes but I've never had the desire to see if it's true. The result?
The fact that it is almost gone tells really sells something. If my husband doesn't like something he will politely eat one plate of it and then 20 minutes after dinner start slowly snacking until he's full. It's very sweet actually. The double bonus of this meal was that little Everett was able to partake as well. All of a sudden he is over baby food so I've been trying to figure out what to feed him. This meal was perfect for his little tiny fingers.
2. The above picture was taken on the ipod Touch that I got for Christmas. A really sweet present and something I was really excited about, mostly so I can have a camera next to me at a moment's notice in case Ev does something cute. Needless to say, there are a lot of pictures on it. However, I may or may not have forgotten I placed this very small and expensive gift in my front hoodie pocket and then threw said hoodie in the washer. When I discovered it all sad and wet laying inside of my washer I spent the next hour having a moral dilemma...tell my husband and both disappoint him and confirm that I am an idiot in one conversation. Or, NOT tell him and then when he discovered my ipod wasn't working I would just play dumb. Luckily the truth won and I told him. He took it really well and just kind of chucked and shook his head. Should I be offended that he didn't seem surprised :). Anyhoo, I put it in the junk drawer and tried to forget it happened. But today, in a true Cinco De Mayo miracle, I plugged it into the charger and it WORKS. If ever anyone doubts the power of the Mac please tell them this story.
So all in all a good day. By the way, I entitled this post FTW because I posted the story of the ipod on my Facebook and someone responded, "Mac FTW." I had to google FTW because I had no idea what that meant. I'm a nerd.
1. My husband and I are attempting to eat carb-free (well carb-less) for a month. Trust me, we are not "those people," but we both have some baby weight we could still lose so we are hoping that a month of not eating carbs will bring us back to food reality...wherein we don't think a huge plate of Chicken Marsala Marscapone (which, by the way, I really need to share the recipe for because it is SO good) is considered an acceptable weekly dinner option. The theory is a month with no rice or potatoes or pasta will make stuff like quinoa and brown rice feel like a treatsy because we are now used to just veggies and meat. Don't tell me if you have already proven this theory wrong in your own life because my little heart can't take it.
Anyway, we've been eating a pretty steady stream of different forms of meat from the bbq alongside a big pile of veggies. So tonight I had this crazy idea to make Shepard's Pie with cauliflower instead of potatoes. I've heard a mythical story that cauliflower can substitute for mashed potatoes but I've never had the desire to see if it's true. The result?
The fact that it is almost gone tells really sells something. If my husband doesn't like something he will politely eat one plate of it and then 20 minutes after dinner start slowly snacking until he's full. It's very sweet actually. The double bonus of this meal was that little Everett was able to partake as well. All of a sudden he is over baby food so I've been trying to figure out what to feed him. This meal was perfect for his little tiny fingers.
2. The above picture was taken on the ipod Touch that I got for Christmas. A really sweet present and something I was really excited about, mostly so I can have a camera next to me at a moment's notice in case Ev does something cute. Needless to say, there are a lot of pictures on it. However, I may or may not have forgotten I placed this very small and expensive gift in my front hoodie pocket and then threw said hoodie in the washer. When I discovered it all sad and wet laying inside of my washer I spent the next hour having a moral dilemma...tell my husband and both disappoint him and confirm that I am an idiot in one conversation. Or, NOT tell him and then when he discovered my ipod wasn't working I would just play dumb. Luckily the truth won and I told him. He took it really well and just kind of chucked and shook his head. Should I be offended that he didn't seem surprised :). Anyhoo, I put it in the junk drawer and tried to forget it happened. But today, in a true Cinco De Mayo miracle, I plugged it into the charger and it WORKS. If ever anyone doubts the power of the Mac please tell them this story.
So all in all a good day. By the way, I entitled this post FTW because I posted the story of the ipod on my Facebook and someone responded, "Mac FTW." I had to google FTW because I had no idea what that meant. I'm a nerd.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The loves of Everett's life- 8 months
Daddy.
food.
Dog toys instead of little boy toys (yum)
Mama
LIFE.
I am in constant amazement of this little man. He is so happy! For a couple days last week he was kind of grumpy (teething, growing, sick, it's pretty much a crap shoot at this stage of his life) but ever since then he wakes up with a huge smile on his face and goes to bed just the same. We keep telling him, "gosh you are in a good mood today," but then we realize this is the boy we know and love, we just forgot during the grumpy days...so it's kind of like having our baby back.
He is crawling up a storm, pulls himself up to standing, and has even taken a view "cruising" steps. For those non fluent in baby terminology (I seriously learned this term 3 days ago), that's when a baby can walk while holding on to something. It feels like he is gaining a new "trick" everyday, and I'm just waiting for the day when I look over and he is walking on his own. I find myself saying "When Everett was little..." and am reminded by whoever I'm talking too that he still is little. But in my mind this is little
So compared to that he is basically a thirty year old man. The scary thing is that before I know it he really will be!
He is crawling up a storm, pulls himself up to standing, and has even taken a view "cruising" steps. For those non fluent in baby terminology (I seriously learned this term 3 days ago), that's when a baby can walk while holding on to something. It feels like he is gaining a new "trick" everyday, and I'm just waiting for the day when I look over and he is walking on his own. I find myself saying "When Everett was little..." and am reminded by whoever I'm talking too that he still is little. But in my mind this is little
So compared to that he is basically a thirty year old man. The scary thing is that before I know it he really will be!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
not taking pictures of myself is my fave
I hate pictures of myself. Now that we are in the age of digital technology there is this horrible option to take a picture and then immediately after look at it (who invented this? I need names). While most people run up to the picture taker after seeing the flash and click to make sure they look OK or to just see how cute they all are, I never do. I NEVER do. Because I know that I won't like what I see. I will only see a double chin or a weird smile or how one of my eyes kinds of droops down more than the other one or something else very particular about myself that maybe no one else sees but is glaringly obvious to me.
Now that I have a baby this issue has come to my attention even more. I pretty much have the camera out every second I am with him. I probably have 1000 pictures of his new little life but only about 4 with me in them. Some of that is because usually it's just the two of us and I'm not really good at the selfie. Also, I always feel a little awkward when my husband and I are together and we are doing something fun and I say "Hey babe, take a picture of me." This is probably an extension of the aforementioned insecurity. However, the biggest reason there are only 4 pictures of me is because I really don't want to see what I look like. Most of the time I can convince myself I look a certain way and pictures always kind of slap me in the face with reality.
Here is an example of this. This was Ev's first adventure on a slide. He looks adorable, of course. The sun is shining. We are together and both smiling and there is so much love just screaming out of this picture. But my first thought when I saw it was, "too bad I'm not wearing something a little cuter, wow my hair is messy, nice double chin Sara...etc, etc."
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE! The rational side of me knows this.Facebook and blogs have perpetuated this problem. How is everyone else so perfect? These are the questions I ask myself. How are their houses so cute, and their husbands so fashionable, and how are they always wearing heels even on laundry day? Also, how is everyone so good at photography and so freakin' photogenic? Why is everyone constantly on vacation, or on road trips, or moving into new beautiful houses? And why are there kids always in clean shirts and they don't have any boogers on their faces or eye crusties. How do they all have the energy to get all dolled up for date nights when all I want to do is get take out and be able to wear my sweatpants???
I could go on but I won't. I know that the internet is not reality. We are all guilty of painting our lives with the nicest brushes, the prettiest colors. I know this isn't going to change, because really, would I want to read or look at a blog where the woman was always complaining about her crappy life and posting picture after picture of herself in her ratty sweatpants collection? Probably not. So the cure is not the internet changing, the cure is for me to embrace my own life, my own face. To not get so caught up in wishing I was perfect and being able to look at the positives more and the negatives less.
I'm certainly not writing this so everyone can tell me how pretty they think I am. I'm writing this because I don't want to let this be my reality. I want Everett and any other children we might have to be able to look at pictures of this time in their lives and see how much love we have for them, to see how happy we were (hopefully still are!) and young we looked and be able to laugh at our funny clothes. I don't want my dumb insecurities to rob them of that. So this is a reminder to myself to get over myself.
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