Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Burn out

I have felt Gods leading in my life more and more lately. I don’t mean in the big picture, “this is what you are supposed to be doing for the next 5 years, Sara” kind of way, but in the “Sara, read my Word.” “Sara, pray with Everett,” kind of way. It is amazing to me that the God of the universe speaks to us in such small places, in such simple things. That He cares whether or not I know his Word, that He is paying attention to my little family in our little town.

Even more surprising, however, is that I KNOW that it is God, the God that created all things who is speaking to me and there are times when I actively and intentionally ignore it. Just today, I finished cleaning the house (a feat in itself with two children under 2) and I was sitting down to watch the next episode of Dawson’s Creek when I heard that voice speaking to me, telling me I should use this time that the boys are still sleeping to spend some time with Him. I wish that I could say that I immediately grabbed my bible and sat down to read, but I actually continued on my path towards the couch, the remote, and the mental off button I so thought I needed. It took five minutes of actively debating with myself before I turned off the TV and starting reading.

That five minutes speaks volumes about the state of my heart. About where I find my rest and where I put my energies. Lately I find myself spending most of the  day just surviving until I am able to have my next break. As I play with, feed, or tickle my boys I am thinking two hours ahead when I can have some time to myself. I think this says two things. 1. I am in need of rest and solitude and that 2. When I do have time for these things I am not finding them in the right places.

Motherhood is no joke. There is no clock to punch at the end of the day and there is no drive home from the workplace to give you distance from the work that is left undone. At any moment of any day I am surrounded by something, often many things, that need to get done. Even in moments when I try to relax I find myself not enjoying it because I’m thinking about the five more “productive” things I could be doing during that time and hounded by the knowledge that there won’t be time later. Because of this I need to pray about and seek wisdom into ways that I can get true Rest. Do I need to wake up earlier so that I know I will have uninterrupted time with God before my children wake up? I have never been good at that so I know it would be a struggle and fear I am just setting myself up to have one more thing I get frustrated that I can’t get done? Do I need to find a way to give up my own picture of what I think my home is supposed to look like in order to spend more nap times engaged in prayer, reading, writing?

I know that I am blessed to be home with my children everyday, that I will look back at this time with joy and pleasure. The worst thing I could do is not engage with my children and husband while I have this time because I feel burnt out and tired. THIS is my calling, THIS is my mission field and I need to remember that just like any other it is not something I can do in my own strength.

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