Sunday, July 15, 2012

Sleep is for Babies

Sometime in the last few weeks Graham (who is six months old by the way) has made the very adult decision that sleep is for babies and he is over it. He went from going to sleep at about seven or eight to fighting sleep until about midnight in the wide eyed, jerky necked, “I absolutely refuse to put my head on your shoulder because I know the minute I do I will fall asleep” kind of way.

Everett has always been such a great sleeper, even as a little baby. Because of this, Graham’s lack of sleep has sent me into a tale spin of emotion, frustration, and despair that has been very unexpected. I want to be the kind of parent that rolls with the punches and is patient and loving and kind. These last few weeks have made me feel like the complete opposite. I feel my fuse growing shorter and shorter throughout the day and the closer it gets to night time the more my anxiety grows and I have found myself yelling, actually YELLING at my baby...who can’t help himself and just wants me to hold him and soothe him and cuddle him. How dare he. Nothing will make you feel crazier than trying to discipline an infant, I promise you that.

Today at church I walked in feeling desperate for the Word of God. Desperate to be reminded of His promises. And I left feeling exactly that. But more importantly, I was reminded that there is only one Promise that matters and is sure and that is the promise found in the Gospel. He has already fulfilled the only thing I truly need and that is the forgiveness of my sins through Jesus Christ, something that happened way before me and that nothing that I do or don’t do can change.

I think that if I’m honest I believe there are all these “bonus promises” that I deserve because I am a Child of God, like a happy life, or a comfortable one, or more specifically-a child who sleeps and give me time by myself at night so I don’t absolutely lose my marbles. These “bonuses” I expect are not outside the realm of possibility. God does bless us beyond measure and merit all the time. He has given me many things, including grandparents who take my aforementioned baby for the night so I get one night of peace. But these things are not promised to me and are not things I deserve, should expect, or even need. The ONLY thing I need is the one thing that can’t be taken from me.

Being reminded of this truth has made me realize that I think far to highly of myself and this plays out time and time again in me trying to do things in my own strength. I am a good parent, but I absolutely can not raise these two boys God has entrusted me with by myself. I need His patience, His mercy, and above all else, His word poured over me again and again because I so often lost sight of these things.

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