Sunday, February 20, 2011

It's 6:30 in the morning and I have been up for an hour already. Anyone reading this who is a mommy is not surprised by this early morning. But if you knew me before baby, you would know that to see me this early in the morning would take an act of God. But that's just it. God did act. He made Everett. And everything since the moment he came into world has been a moment in a new life. I am different (both inside and out, if we want to get real. For instance, I can now TUCK my belly fat into my waistband, a feat I had not had the pleasure to accomplish before baby, but let's move on) The biggest change is that I realized who I was before Everett. Before Everett I was selfish, dare I say, lazy. Everything I did had a slant towards self interest, self preservation. And now, I look at this tiny human playing quietly and happily next to me, and I feel like moving mountains to make him happy, to make him healthy. And that newness has extended towards my marriage as well. Creating a child with my husband stretched my love for him into a new shape. I find myself thinking about how I can make his life easier, what I can do to show him I love him, that I am grateful for his hard work. When before baby I don't think I noticed, nor cared, about how hard he worked. But I see it, along with everything else in my life, through these new eyes.

All of this is why it is so hard for me to be a full-time working mom. I feel like I'm constantly trying to be the best mom I can be, the best wife I can be, and the best employee I can be. For some women I think this is possible. I thought I would be that woman before I had kids. But now I realize that I never really worked that hard at being a wife. I never tried to figure out what I can do to make my husband feel loved, to ease his burden. And I never realized how much of my self would go into being a mom. So there is just not any room left in my life, or heart, for work now that those things are there. There is no quick fix for this problem. But my husband and I are committed to me being able to be home full-time eventually. For now I will just try as hard as I can to fit it all in. And drink lots of coffee =)

I just got all kinds of sappy and reflective. But I took Nyquil last night so of course Ev woke up an hour earlier than normal, right? So this might be a Nyquil induced post that I read later and not know what I was talking about. But maybe not. Good morning, world.

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